apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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