I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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