We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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