I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
