he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
