whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
