I haven't been this sober since birth.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
