The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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