I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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