proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He did a backflip because drugs
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