new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
