i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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