I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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