Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
