Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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