Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
