i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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