I'm gonna have a badass scar
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
