I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
