I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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