he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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