I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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