I wanna bring you to show and tell
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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