You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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