FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
