My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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