im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
