It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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