Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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