i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
