He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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