i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
