the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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