just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Ketchup is God's man juice
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
