i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
