I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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