Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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