I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
