Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
