i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
