I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
