just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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