ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
