He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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