I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
