you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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