i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
