A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
