If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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