dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
