I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
